In my previous post, I mentioned that the “easy” part of this journey has ended and I’m now moving into the tough part. What has surprised me this time around is how quickly things have progressed! Last time, it seemed as if it took more than a year for my health to really start declining. This time, it’s happening fast! I only got the news about Kirby (my previous transplanted kidney) dying off around February of this year and already I’m on dialysis, getting sick, and have almost stopped creating urine. Simma’ down now, slow your roll! This isn’t a race!

This is the part of my process that I hid from everyone last time. I had kept myself an open book on this blog, however, in person, you would probably never have known that I was any different. I worked really hard to hide my symptoms and appear unaffected by what was happening…partly because I was at work and didn’t want to appear weak and incapable; partly because I didn’t want the sympathy. Part of my responsibility with this blog, though, is to be as open and honest about what’s going on as possible. Emotionally, this has been a tougher round than before for multiple reasons… the stress of trying to find work, the stress of dealing with/figuring out insurance while unemployed, the knowledge of what is to come, not having a set plan, etc. However, I’m making progress on that aspect. I’ve decided to temporarily go on disability and stop my job search until I’m in a better place to do so. This has taken a HUGE load off my shoulders as I can now focus on just trying to get better and stronger to push through this current phase.

Physically, however, is a different story. I started hemodialysis more than a week ago, and while it does clean my blood and remove the excess fluid that has built up, it’s not an overnight process and it’ll take many treatments before I can really feel a difference. So, for those who have been asking if I feel better yet, I don’t…at least not yet. What does it feel like? Well, I am in a constant state of nausea and my overall feeling just feels “dirty” or “toxic”. My body actually tingles because of the toxins in my blood…and it’s all throughout my body. I can’t take a shower because of my dialysis catheter, so I’ve had to get creative with baths and my sister has to wash my hair for me while I lean over the side of the tub. I can’t sleep at night because the fluids have built up in my lungs making it very difficult to breathe. I have to sleep either sitting up or leaning forward, which isn’t easy to do or be comfy when I have a dialysis catheter popping out of my neck. The dialysis treatments that help clean this up wipe me out! Pulling several pounds of fluid off your body in just a few hours just isn’t natural, so it’s tough on my body and it causes me to literally turn into a limp ragdoll afterwards. My blood pressure drops because of this too, so again, the weakness makes me completely useless. It doesn’t feel real, and it doesn’t feel as if it’s my life. This is the stuff you see on TV or in the movies, not to me in real life!

I don’t say this to scare anyone, it’s just the facts. It’s the “ugly” that most people don’t talk about. I’m very, very lucky to have a family that has stepped up to cover the chores, cooking, driving, and “heavy lifting” that I normally do around the house. I truly don’t know what I would do without them! It’s THIS stuff that is tough and kills my independent mojo. It’s very humbling to have to rely on this type of help, knowing that you can’t do it by yourself. I had a job interview last week that I had to turn down b/c I knew I was setting myself up for failure. It was the hardest thing to do – telling them that I was not able to move forward because I knew I was not able to meet their standards at this point of my life. I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and that I will soon be back on my “A” game and back to normal.

I’ve been told that this is just my body “adjusting” to the new treatments, and I sincerely hope so! I read about other people who have been on hemo for 18 years, going to the gym twice a day in between and I just want to flick them in the nose for being so boastful. However, I know they are not. They are just proud to be able to do so b/c this isn’t easy! I have to remember that *hopefully* this is just the beginning for me and that I, too, will be able to feel that good again soon!

Sorry, this wasn’t as fun a post as usual. I think my brain cells have been temporarily “dumbed down” as I get “cleansed”. More entertaining posts to come!

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Things I’m thankful for today:

1.  My family for helping keep the house functional while I get through this, and for keeping my spirits up! Love you so much!

2.  My health. I had to go back and re-read some of my old blog posts from my last transplant to remind myself that I had it WAAAAAY worse that time! I’m in a MUCH better position this time and so far I have had a lot fewer complications…knock on wood!

3.  Bed. On top of all the above, my test results show that I might also have mono. What? I have not heard of anyone having mono since I was in high school! It explains why I’m so extremely exhausted all the time though…and man, do I love my bed on those days!

4. Oatmeal. It seems to be the only food that I can consistently keep down right now. Thankfully, it’s nutritional too, b/c it’s pretty much the main thing keeping me going right now!