Music has always been a major component in my life – songs are powerful. They can cheer you up, summon forgotten memories, calm you down, help you escape, and SOOOO much more. They can also be very motivating in tough times. There were always a few songs that stuck in my head when I was going through my first transplant that kept me inspired to keep moving forward and I’m having to dredge them out again as I push through this 2nd round of kidney failure. Is it painful? Yes, at times. Is it lonely? Of course… Is it hard? You bet! However, I can not, and will not let it break me. When I am faced with my own mortality glaring at me from across the room, I have no choice but to stare it down and spit in it’s face with fingers flyin’, and music gives me that much-needed soundtrack to back me up!

Up until now, my kidney failure this time has been relatively “easy” (if I dare say so this early in the game!). My symptoms were minimal and I was still able to go about biz as usual for the most part. This past week or so, things have been taking a huge turn. My energy has been completey depleted. I’ve been so tired ALL the time! My blood pressure keeps plummeting, and I’m just not myself. I hate that. I hate not having the energy to do what I want to do and sleeping on-off all day. I hate not having fun and being goofy/fun with everyone. I just feel like I’m existing at times. This will get better, I know, and to help me get through it, I turn on the tunes and blast out everything I can to help feel more normal and strong. Especially now. My doctor told me that I needed to start dialysis. This past week has been spent getting x-rays, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. for my new dialysis catheter (called a Permcath) on my chest. It looks like this:

I will be sitting at a clinic three days a week for about 4-5 hours each day to have my blood filtered via hemodialysis. I didn’t go for Peritoneal dialysis this time b/c my doctor has hope that I’ll be able to get my transplant soon and he doesn’t want me on dialysis long-term. While it’s much better than having to deal with the ridiculously-sized needles, it’s still not ideal b/c I feel I’ll be spending WAAAAY too much time not living life. It also puts a HUGE wrench in my job search as my ability to do what I want to do is greatly restricted. (I’ve been told that Vocational Rehab can help me find a job that works with this, so fingers crossed!)

Today was my first day at the clinic, and the minute I stepped in, all the sights, sounds and smells came rushing back to me instantaneously. It wasn’t fun, but the staff was very nice, and it seems as if the patients there have gotten to know each other. They were all waving at me and welcoming me to their little community, so that really helped. As was the case at my last clinic, I was probably the youngest one there, and again, I was pretty wiped out afterwards, but this too will pass.

So, now that s*** has started to become more real, I’ve had to pull out my warrior hat once again to fight the battle and every “Survivor”, “Eye of the Tiger”, “Fighter” song will be on repeat!

************

Things I’m thankful for today:

1.  My kitties. They seem to know when I’m not feeling well as they’ve not left my side this entire week. No matter where I go, they are right there on my lap or curled up next to me. Pets = unconditional love!

2.  Dialysis. While I’m not excited about having to go be on dialysis again, I’m very thankful that my doctor was pro-active in getting me in before I got too sick to qualify for a transplant. All I could think of was the stroke-like symptoms that sent me to the hospital last go-round when my body was shutting down and I abolutely did NOT want to go through that again!

3.  Hope. Second to music (in my world), there is no bigger motivator than hope. Just knowing that this will end soon and life will be much better after my transplant really helps keep things in perspective.

4. Matt and Ayman. Two of my best friends have become potential donors and they attended the Baylor Living Donor class last weekend with me and my sister to understand all that is involved. Not only am I extremely blessed to have them as friends, but blessed to have them choose to help me live by donating their kidneys. Testing is still being done to see if they are matches, but just having them there in that class with me meant so much to me! Thank you both for your extreme generosity! I love y’all!

5. Barbara. My sister and I were your typical sisters growing up, but as we’ve grown up, she has become one of my best friends ever. She has always been there for me when I needed her – my rock. She’s my shoulder to cry on, my partner in crime, the person to make me laugh, and she helps me feel safe and normal when I don’t always feel that way. She has chosen to be a part of my journey this time by helping me get to dialysis, attending all the evals and classes as my mom and dad did last time. I am soooo lucky to have her by my side!! Love you Barbara!